Today’s post has been brought to you by our guest, Brenda Perlin. I like this story because it shows us the importance of following our heart. At times we llike to dismiss our feelings in favor of satisfaction that is only pleasing on the surface.
When I first met the man I was to marry I looked at him and thought he was not at all my type. It wasn’t that he was not handsome; On the contrary, he was tall and had rugged good looks. Yet, there was no real attraction for me. I would have liked to have felt more but instead I saw him as a brother figure. When he first introduced himself to me I could tell he was very interested. I was not quite sure what his enthusiasm was all about but I liked the way he gazed at me from across the room. When he talked he looked me straight in the eyes. He seemed like someone who was ready to fall in love. We became fast friends and before long he made his intentions clear to me.
He wanted my heart and he offered his in return. Sadly, I could not return his affections. I told him that I would never be able to see him as anything more than a friend. I knew I had hurt his feelings but I had to be honest with him. I felt he deserved that from me.
Months of spending afternoons together and talking on the phone all hours of the night I decided to give him a chance. Even though I didn’t feel those butterflies that you hear about in old fiction novels or see in romance movies, I liked the way he felt the need to take care of me. When we were together you could tell by the way he acted that his feelings were genuine. I can’t say he swept me of my feet but I liked all the attention he was giving me. We talked about everything and he was patiently waiting for me to accept his feelings. He pretty much took a back seat and waited for me to come around.
Eventually, I warmed up to the idea of us being a couple and later we made plans for a spring wedding. I convinced myself that this was the man for me even if my body was telling me something else.
After a couple of years we were married and lived like a happy couple. On the outside we looked like a perfect pair. People often remarked about how cute we were together. In my heart however, I knew something was missing. I knew that I had settled but I did everything in my power to ignore any of those negative thoughts.
Years later, those thoughts were still living in me although I never shared them with anyone. Not even to my closet friends. If I would have said those words out loud I would have felt like a failure. Instead I accepted my fate and tried with everything I had to make the best of it. I made dinner parties and planned trips just making an effort to escape my reality. With this man I shared everything but never quite felt like we were meant to be together.
Instead I took on the role as wife and lived a life of duty and responsibility. I am not implying that my husband was a bad person. He wasjust not the man with whom I would have married. When I thought of my future I thought of sharing my life with a person I would call my soul mate. It had to be someone who I could be myself with and laugh about silly inconsequential things. I thought I would meet this man and just know. Instead I married the first man who asked me to be his wife. Basically I sold myself short spending years convincing myself that I had made the right choice.
If I had been more honest with myself I would have walked away much sooner before my investment got so high. I could have enjoyed living the life I really wanted for myself that many years sooner. It took me 15 years to walk away from this marriage. In those years there were good times and bad but I was never truly fulfilled. To make such a huge compromise was the biggest mistake of my life. To sell myself short like that is a tragedy. It wasn’t fair to my husband nor was it fair to me.
From this I have learned that you can’t lie to yourself. The truth always comes out in one way or another. If I could go back in time I would have listened to my inner voices and maybe even paid attention.
About the Author Brenda Perlin was born in Los Angeles, California in the Sixties. She studied acting and photography after high school. Later, her true passion was ignited when she became interested in health and fitness and became a fitness instructor. At twenty-nine she started writing Home Wrecker during the time she was getting married. She put her story down shortly after the wedding and didn’t pick it back up until she was forty-six and going through a divorce. Visit her blog: http://homewreckerthebook.com/
Giving and receiving love is the most nourishing and life affirming exchange. It is the spiritual gold currency that makes the world go round.