When I first met the man I was to marry I looked at him and thought he was not at all my type. It wasn’t that he was not handsome; On the contrary, he was tall and had rugged good looks. Yet, there was no real attraction for me. I would have liked to have felt more but instead I saw him as a brother figure. When he first introduced himself to me I could tell he was very interested. I was not quite sure what his enthusiasm was all about but I liked the way he gazed at me from across the room. When he talked he looked me straight in the eyes. He seemed like someone who was ready to fall in love. We became fast friends and before long he made his intentions clear to me.

He wanted my heart and he offered his in return. Sadly, I could not return his affections. I told him that I would never be able to see him as anything more than a friend. I knew I had hurt his feelings but I had to be honest with him. I felt he deserved that from me.

Months of spending afternoons together and talking on the phone all hours of the night I decided to give him a chance. Even though I didn’t feel those butterflies that you hear about in old fiction novels or see in romance movies, I liked the way he felt the need to take care of me. When we were together you could tell by the way he acted that his feelings were genuine. I can’t say he swept me of my feet but I liked all the attention he was giving me. We talked about everything and he was patiently waiting for me to accept his feelings. He pretty much took a back seat and waited for me to come around.

Eventually, I warmed up to the idea of us being a couple and later we made plans for a spring wedding. I convinced myself that this was the man for me even if my body was telling me something else.

After a couple of years we were married and lived like a happy couple. On the outside we looked like a perfect pair. People often remarked about how cute we were together. In my heart however, I knew something was missing. I knew that I had settled but I did everything in my power to ignore any of those negative thoughts.

Years later, those thoughts were still living in me although I never shared them with anyone. Not even to my closet friends. If I would have said those words out loud I would have felt like a failure. Instead I accepted my fate and tried with everything I had to make the best of it. I made dinner parties and planned trips just making an effort to escape my reality. With this man I shared everything but never quite felt like we were meant to be together.

Instead I took on the role as wife and lived a life of duty and responsibility. I am not implying that my husband was a bad person. He wasjust not the man with whom I would have married. When I thought of my future I thought of sharing my life with a person I would call my soul mate. It had to be someone who I could be myself with and laugh about silly inconsequential things. I thought I would meet this man and just know.  Instead I married the first man who asked me to be his wife. Basically I sold myself short spending years convincing myself that I had made the right choice.

If I had been more honest with myself I would have walked away much sooner before my investment got so high. I could have enjoyed living the life I really wanted for myself that many years sooner. It took me 15 years to walk away from this marriage. In those years there were good times and bad but I was never truly fulfilled. To make such a huge compromise was the biggest mistake of my life. To sell myself short like that is a tragedy. It wasn’t fair to my husband nor was it fair to me.

From this I have learned that you can’t lie to yourself. The truth always comes out in one way or another. If I could go back in time I would have listened to my inner voices and maybe even paid attention.

About the Author                                                                                                                               Brenda Perlin was born in Los Angeles, California in the Sixties. She studied acting and photography after high school. Later, her true passion was ignited when she became interested in health and fitness and became a fitness instructor. At twenty-nine she started writing Home Wrecker during the time she was getting married. She put her story down shortly after the wedding and didn’t pick it back up until she was forty-six and going through a divorce.  Visit her blog: http://homewreckerthebook.com/

We are saturated in bad news.  From TV, to radio, to the internet it seems to be the only focus.  We are being drawn into the baseline levels of humanity.  When we give our attention to these distressing events we are lending them our energy and we get depleted emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

The bombardment of negative energy stifles, impedes and inhibits the intake of positive energy.  The focus on the negative is counterproductive to transformation.  Only a positive mind state encourages self actualization.  With that in mind, I want to share some stories with you to enlighten the heart and uplift the spirit:

CEO Of OMGPOP, Hired Back Laid-Off Workers

• Prior to Draw Something the company of OMGPOP was in dire straits.  In fact the company had to lay off a good number of its workforce.  When the popular app hit and the $210 million Zynga offer came in, CEO Dan Porter hired back everyone that was laid off so they can all enjoy the benefits.

DRAWSOME!

http://huff.to/HAroxV

The Man Who Sold His Life On eBay After A Divorce, Finds Love And Buys A Caribbean Island

• After his 2008 divorce Ian Usher wanted a new life.  So he did what any reasonable man would.  He sold everything he had on eBay and went off, into the world, to check things off his bucket list.  Now he’s found a new love, is almost done with his list, and resides on an island.  A perfect example of how letting go frees you up for better things.

http://huff.to/HBfnrH

Health Care Spending On Unnecessary Tests Discouraged By Major Medical Groups

• Are you tired of costly unnecessary testing?  It seems like doctors are too.  Organizations, representing doctors, have started the “Choosing Wisely” campaign.  It’s good to see that the bottom line is not necessarily the only line.

http://huff.to/Issyw8

Girlfriend’s Tweet Saves Carjacking Victim In South Africa

• A perfect example of how a “Tweet” can save a life.  Moreover it shows what can be done by working together.

http://huff.to/HORlUV

I hope these stories inspire, invigorate and open your eyes to the world that is all around us.  If there is a time to focus on the positives it is now.

The Passover story is a powerful metaphor.  We are all, to some degree or another, imprisoned by our fears and defensiveness.  We become slaves to our cravings, addictions and insecurities.  The good news is that there is a Moses, a spark of the divine, in each one of us.  We are all journeying through a “desert” towards our personal promised land.

The story of Easter is also rooted in the idea of liberation.  The resurrection story of Christ, Yeshua of Nazareth, an enlightened spiritual teacher, provides a moving lesson.  We are called to realize that we are not our body or our carnal mind.  We are spiritual beings, eternal and indestructible.  Isn’t this realization the ultimate freedom?

In the recounting of the Israelites redemption, Moses, on behalf of God, asks Pharaoh for the people’s freedom over and over again.  “Let my people go, so they may worship me.  The Torah reminds us that our freedom is directly tied to our responsibility and our mission to create a better world and serve others.  The story tells us that our ultimate job is not just to be librated, but to be liberators.

It takes discipline effort and awareness to shift our inner reality from critical and violent to peaceful and accepting.  Violence starts within us.  If we are critical and nasty to ourselves, we will feel that way towards others.  Here is a recount of a client of mine who is using the “Inner Dialogue” technique of Gates of Power® to create inner peace.  You can find her at http://mybrainproject.wordpress.com/

My therapist talks about three aspects of self: the Expanded self, the Emotional self and the Defensive self.    The Expanded self is the wise parent.  The Emotional is the child.  Defensive is the part of us that developed internal protective measures when we were unable to stand up for ourselves in the past.    The problem with the Defensive is once we are grown up these methods are usually self-destructive and designed to keep us out of life.

I have a very sensitive and jittery Emotional self.   And I have a very mean and critical Defensive self.  Not a good combination.    The core fear of these two selves is that there is something wrong with them.  It’s my job, as the Expanded self, to teach them that they are lovely and awesome, not flawed.

So, Defensive self thinks that Emotional is a freak that needs to be hidden from the world.  Emotional is afraid she’s a freak and is afraid to go out in the world lest she be tormented, like she was in the past.

This is the source of my chicken and egg problem.   Defensive picks on Emotional and Emotional gets upset.  Creating the very dynamic I grew up with.   It’s an effective attempt at keeping me isolated and “safe.”  If I left these two to their devices, I’d never survive.  I’d be like a bloody bird that has plucked out all her feathers.

I work from both sides.  For example, if my Emotional gets nervous that she feels tired, I tell her it’s not a problem.  Everyone gets tired now and then.   The fear is she is lazy and will never get anything done.   Defensive jumps on this and starts pushing:  Work harder!  You can’t be tired!  And berates her:  “You’re always tired!  What is wrong with you?!”

I step in to break up the fight:  I reassure Emotional that this is the furthest thing from the truth.   We are a doer and a finisher.  Proof is all around us.  The lazy accusation comes from the past and it never was true.   We had to check out to survive the abuse we endured growing up.   That’s why we were tired back then but now we have lots of energy.

Then I tell Defensive to stop it.   That abuse is not allowed.   Doing that continues the past and I won’t have it.   I recognize that she is trying to fix things but I remind her there is nothing to fix.  In fact, by yelling and pressuring and criticizing the very opposite is happening.   I point out to Defensive:  You upset Emotional and she panics and that takes up a lot of energy and time to calm things down.  Then when our mind and body get tired you go “See!  You’re always tired!  You’re ruining everything!  Work harder!”    This isn’t a good plan.   Let’s make a new one.

Working both sides of the chicken and egg is a must.    Whenever this pattern starts up, I say, “chicken and egg!  We’re not going there!”  Both sides are starting to shift and chill out.

Creating a positive state of being is the most important step in the process of manifestation.  Everything in the universe is actually energy (vibrations).  The universe expresses itself by pulsating energetically.  We are part of, and one, with this ocean of vibrations.  We can change the frequency of our energetic combination by changing our feelings and thoughts.

We are endowed with free will and have the ability to shift our perspective.  In this way we co-create with the Universal Mind.  This ability to master our energetic field is a gift deserving of our responsibility and attention.  It is important to become aware of it and what it creates within us and outside of us.  If your state of being is disruptive to yourself and others, it is your responsibility to learn how to shift it.

The saddening and intertwined story of Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman illustrates the way thoughts and feelings create reality.  George Zimmerman was the captain of the neighborhood watch and had a pattern of calling the police without substantiated reason.  This shows a state of agitation and perhaps fears.  Is it possible that his state of mind affected his violent action??

His violent reaction could have been prevented if he was in the habit of examining his inner reactions. If we live with unexamined inner violence it seeks out targets, potential enemies, and volatile situations. We attract these circumstances to ourselves. Our reality is formed by our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. When we live with judgment, anger and fear we see the world through those glasses; it becomes our reality.

We all have a choice and there are always options: create the possibility of peace within yourself.

Every Spring (and I have been around for many of them) I am struck with awe and child like joy when the magic of bare to crown of flowers happen, almost from one day to another.  It seems like the trees are celebrating their passion for life with bursting brilliant colors.  “Did you ever wonder how does this magic happen?”, the total transformation from brittle and gray to glorious and beautiful.

The magic of Spring demonstrates the power to transform, that resides in nature.  It takes us from night to day from hatred to love and from sickness to health.  The same power resides in the soul of each one of us.  The soul yearns to shed its suffocating cloaks and claim its brilliance, a state of freedom, joy and creativity.   Our defensiveness, fears, pain and distrust keep us imprisoned.   Consciously or unconsciously we know it.  We feel like we’re not fully alive…something is missing.  We feel inner emptiness and a sense of loss and, in a way that is true.

The fact is that we, ourselves, are the roadblock to our transformation, a natural process that moves life in constant cycles of evolution.  It takes a choice, a commitment, and a discipline to get ourselves unstuck, to undue our self-imposed stagnation.  As strange as it might sound, we are attached to our contraction; it feels safe and familiar, even though they are unpleasant.  We hold on to our fears and pain because freedom feels dangerous.  We long for it and distrust it for a long time.

We also know intuitively, that if we let go of inner repression we will feel deeply.  The streams of feelings might come out gushing.  We are terrified of the intensity of our emotions.  At a point in my life when I was consciously releasing difficult emotions I remember feeling painfully brittle when sobbing.  It felt as if I was shattered into small pieces.  I had to find courage and self acceptance again and again, to continue the process of healing.

Many of us are looking for easy ways to feel good.  I did the same in my younger years.  We try to find comfort in things, substances, fame, glory, approval and avoiding.  This kind of comfort works for a short time and then we need more different and better.  Needless to say that this is a kind of comfort that is far from transformation.  It is the opposite of growth and ultimately, it is deadening to the spirit and soul.  If we want to transform we need to tolerate uncomfortability.  We need to take ourselves out of the protective box and claim our aliveness.  We need to take risks, open up and express.  Living with a passion for the truth and the courage to discover it connects us to the power of transformation; a power that lives within us, guiding our journey.

Well, we really are.  If we could turn our eyes inward and catch a glimpse of our own glorious spirit, we would be awed and amazed.

The same consciousness that created the rivers, the stars, the mountains and all the galaxies resides within us.  It shines through our smiles, loves through our energy and creates with us.

Look within you.

Beauty, excellence and love are your true essence, if you could just know it, feel it and enjoy it.  You would realize the star that you really are and the contribution you make by being yourself.

-Nomi

A great artist, a beautiful person and a loving human being; who lost the battle to stress and addiction.  In my last blog I spoke about the origin of stress.  Here is a summary or some of the elements that cause us stress:

• Low self esteem
• Unresolved inner conflicts, inner pain And trauma
• Repressed feelings
• Chronic habit of worry and anxiety
• Lack of trust in one’s self and the direction of one’s life
• Critical harsh or shaming self dialogue
• Poor communication skills
• Poor organization and management skills
  • Management of commitments, time, physical, financial, and social goal and obligations.

We are all prone to stress.  It is inevitable, but we can reduce it by becoming aware of what is stressing us and making a conscious effort to eliminate as much of it as possible.  The first three elements on the list take emotional, psychological, and spiritual work to undue.  The most basic and important element is resolving inner conflicts, inner pain, and trauma.  When these are resolved, it affects our self esteem.  We learn to appreciate and respect ourselves.  In that process repressed feelings are released and resolved.

Once we gain a better self image and a higher self esteem we can begin to let go of the habit of worry.  We learn to trust ourselves and the direction of our life.  Our self dialogue improves, and we’re ready to enhance our communications skills and organization skills.

Unfortunately a lot of us are not willing to do the work that it takes to shift and empower our state of being.  Instead we reach out to the easier solution, which are addictions.  We might use substances like food, drugs, and alcohol; or non substance addictions like relationships, work, TV, sex, sleep etc.  Addictions give us the illusion of comfort.  The comfort is temporary………we always need more.

Addictions are a progressive disease that eventually they kill our spirit, destroy our body, strain our relationships and rob us of the life we were supposed to lead.  The power to heal and free ourselves lives within us and we need to learn how to tap into it and utilize it.  It is our responsibility and gift to ourselves.

On Monday February 13^th I was lecturing to a group of mothers and the topic was “The Origin of Stress and How To Alleviate It”.  When we started getting to the root of the issue, I asked the group the question:

“What are the origins of stress?”

These were some of the answers worry, time constraints, finance, physical, emotional and/or spiritual pressures

When we examined these, we discovered that we produce our own stress, by putting pressure on ourselves.  We tighten against our feelings denying and repressing them.  We are overly demanding harsh and critical towards ourselves; and we are careless regarding our true needs.  Ultimately stress is a result of lack of true self care.  I then asked a second question.  You are all dedicated mothers but:

“Are you mothering yourselves”?

As we discovered in our discussion, most of us are not doing a great job taking care of ourselves; and we all should.  The better mothering we provide for ourselves, the better mothering we’re able to extend to our children and loved ones.

I continued to explain In my method, Gates Of Power®

I define three aspects that compromise our inner being.

1.  The Emotional Self      2.  The Defensive Self      3.  The Expanded Self

The emotional part of ourselves is repressed and criticized by our survival oriented over protective defensive self.  The Defensive Self is trying hard to “make us” loveable, successful and perfect.  It is trying to compensate for lack of self esteem and emotional vulnerability.  Naturally it is more concerned with our image and other’s approval of us, rather than with our well being.  So it ends up stressing us.  Our Expanded Self, the third aspect, is the wise, loving and healing aspect.  It is the one that should lead our lives.  In the Gates Of Power® method participates learn to access their Expanded Self and use its skills to relax the Defensive Self and free the Emotional Self.  In other words, ideally, the Expanded Self should be the parent, coach and guide of the other two.  We all must learn the art and the craft of inner parenting in order to establish real peace and balance.  We are better communicators when we communicate lovingly with ourselves.

I would like to suggest the following Ten Commandments to help you communicate better.  Good communication, as we all know, a key to creating a loving exchange:

1. Know yourself.  Find out how you feel, what you need, what you believe in, so that you can communicate it.
2. Commit to creating connections.  Take responsibility for the success of your communications.  Be the cause, the initiator, the giver.
3. Avoid reactivity.  When faced with strong emotions and intense reactions, take a minute to figure yourself out.  Get clear and strive to create a constructive way to communicate.
4. Cultivate empathic listening.  Extend that to yourself and others.  Empathy helps you understand and accept.  It enhances transformation and change.
5. Be clear.  Be authentic and expressive, and use the four “Magic I’s.”  (I Think, I Feel, I Need, I Want).  When you communicate with another stick to expressing your feelings rather than pointing the finger at the other.  Avoid blaming, dumping, judging or telling others what to do.
6. Show appreciation.  Do whatever you can to validate your partner(s).  Use listening and mirroring skills, show respect and consideration.  You can still maintain your beliefs and go for them.  One has nothing to do with the other.
7. Be reliable.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Integrity cultivates mutual trust.
8. Learn to negotiate.  Create win/win situations.  It is best for all involved.
9. Tap into your humor and playfulness.  Bring enjoyment into your communications.
10. Let go of the need to be right, in control, or on top.  Connection and the exchange of understanding are so much more fulfilling.

Communication is an art.  Keep experimenting and go through the trials and tribulations.  You will come to enjoy it and your loved ones will appreciate it.